I was in Whole Foods yesterday, and walked by an endcap full of green boxes labeled "Complete Body Cleanse" (I almost said "I passed an endcap," but some puns are too low even for me). I thought to myself "We're already doing some planning for spring cleaning of the Co-Prosperity Sphere, so why not?

Now, I have to say this up front: I am not the sort of person who thinks that modern living is bad for you. Granted, I turn off my electricity once a week, make my food from scratch, raise my own chickens and can jams and jellies, but none of that is in reaction to the horrors of modern life. I do those things because they're fun, and because doing them supports my idea that people should know where food comes from. (Although I don't have nunchucks for threshing wheat, sadly.)

The first thing I did upon taking the green box out of the bag was to begin reading it, and realizing that even Whole Foods, that sunny oasis of gourmet organic food and famous Great Place to Work, isn't above catering to people's fears. The very first section of the stuff on the back of the box read as follows:

Why Can a Cleanse Help Me?
We live in a world that is full of many toxins and pollutants. The toxins come from many sources, including:

• Highly processed foods and artificial ingredients
• Pollution in our air and water
• Pesticides, fertilizers and other agrochemicals
• Hormones used in foods that we eat

It goes on to say that we "absorb these environmental toxins from the air, water and our food," and implies that taking fiber, a laxative and milk thistle seed extract will magically pull these toxins out of your body (Wait...how does a laxative know an artificial hormone from an actual hormone? Am I going to poop out my pituitary gland at some point?) you will magically "support your body's own detoxification process, remove toxins and get your system back on track." 

The box exhorts those undergoing the two-week regimen to drink lots of water and eat a healthy diet. You should avoid "strenuous exercise," but are encouraged to do gentle exercise like yoga. It then assures the user that "No doubt, you'll soon find yourself feeling lighter, cleaner and more focused." Because none of those things on their own would produce any beneficial results at all, would they?

Well, having made the commitment, I will be talking for the next two weeks about the process and the effects of this "cleanse." Some things I will be talking about: my energy levels, my ability to stay awake and focused, and my poop. The poop thing only comes into it because apparently that's where all the toxins will be expelled. I expect, nay, I DEMAND, that by the end of this process, I be pooping radioactive glowing green fizzy lava. 

Stay tuned...I just swallowed the first four capsules. We'll see what comes out.